Woman Resource Article #4
I Want to be
Anything but FINE
It’s beginning to look like this year is going to be full of changes and new ideas for self-improvement in my life. I mean, who couldn’t use a little self-improvement now and then, right?
This article came about after having a conversation with a person who is very dear to me and supports me throughout my journey to REdiscover myself. She and I were just chit-chatting about everyday things….the usual small talk….until she said something to me that wasn’t exactly extraordinary or unusual, but gave me some insight after I answered her. She asked me how I was doing.
Now, that question in itself isn’t exceptionally insightful, but what came to my thoughts as I answered her was! How many of you do this? You are walking down the street and you bump into a friend. That friend says “Hi! How are you doing?” Your usual, habitual response, if you are like most people, is to say….”Hi! I’m fine, thank you!” Does this sound like you? Okay, maybe you don’t sound quite as polite as that, but you get my drift.
Now, how many times have you responded in that manner, only to be feeling anything BUT Fine? How many times have you forced a smile and answered “I’m fine”? How many times have you secretly wiped a tear from your eye and answered “I’m fine”? How many times have you said through clenched teeth….”I’m fine”? Sometimes the farthest thing you are from is “Fine”, but that’s the answer we give.
Why do we do that? Why do we tell people we are “Fine”, when we aren’t fine at all? Why do we spend hours, sometimes days or months or years even, convincing our SELVES that we are fine? Why do we avoid feeling what we are feeling and pretend that we aren’t feeling the way we are? I realize that saying “I’m fine” is an easy, short response to a greeting, but at what cost? This is what got me thinking.
For a very long time, through a very long relationship, I kept denying my feelings to myself and to other people in my life. If I was feeling resentful; I pretended it didn’t matter and that I was “fine”. If I was feeling overwhelmed, I pretended that I was “fine” or that I was “okay” with things. I kept pretending that I could handle anything that came my way. If I was sad, I told others who were concerned that I would be “okay”. I sometimes tried to convince myself that I wasn’t scared or fearful when in reality I was scared shitless. Doesn’t exactly sound like someone who is “Fine”, now does it?
I look back at the long term relationship that has recently ended in my life and I am starting to understand where MY part in the downfall of this relationship took place. I completely ignored how I was feeling because I was more concerned about how everyone else was feeling. I convinced myself that in order to be accepted, in order to be liked, in order to be “the good wife/mother/friend”, I had to sacrifice my own feelings. I had to stuff my feelings and minimize their importance. It was my job to acknowledge everyone elses’ feelings and make those people feel better about things. It was my job to validate their feelings, all the while ignoring my own. After all….that was what I signed up for, no?
No….not at all….but I didn’t realize that. I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand that until twenty years later when I finally came to the realization that I was lost. Somewhere, somehow, in this relationship, I completely lost who I was. Somewhere along the way my “feelings” became an automatic response….”I’m fine”….”I’m okay”….etc. Somehow I learned that to share my feelings with others would make me seem weak. Interestingly enough, I learned how to comfort others with their feelings or to help them sort their feelings out, but all I learned about my own feelings was how to ignore them and stuff them down. I told myself that I could deal with my own feelings another time because the needs of other people’s feelings held priority over my own.
I’m here to tell you…..if you think along the same lines that I was thinking, get ready for this. One day you are going to wake up and start your day like any other day. All of a sudden, when you least expect it, you are going to say to yourself……”This is crazy!” At that time you are going to realize that you no longer have any room inside to stuff your feelings and you are going to want to RUN!!! You are going to want to throw in the towel and say….”I’ve had enough.” I didn’t think that this could ever happen to me, but that’s how it went down. When I think back on that day….some of it is still a blur to me, but what is really clear to me now is the fact that on THAT particular day, I could NOT believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I was telling not only the other people in my life that I had had enough, but I was, for the first time, actually validating my OWN feelings.
I made a promise to myself that I was no longer going to respond with an “I’m fine” answer. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to pretend I was feeling okay when I wasn’t. I promised myself that I was going to feel whatever it is that I was feeling. I told myself I was going to validate my feelings and give them the importance they deserved. I told myself I was going to acknowledge my feelings, process them within myself and move on. I also promised myself that I wasn’t going to rush my feelings. If it took me longer than others to process certain feelings, then so be it. Who is anyone to tell you how long you have to “get over” something?
You see….feelings aren’t right or wrong….they just ARE. Just because another person wouldn’t feel the same way you would over different situations doesn’t make their feelings right and your feelings wrong. Just because someone gets over something faster than you do, doesn’t make you wrong, nor does it make you right if you are able to handle different feelings better than someone else. Your feelings just ARE…..and they are YOURS. Nobody else’s feelings take priority over your own.
So, like I was telling my friend this morning….I will no longer tell anyone that I am fine when I am not. I will allow myself to feel my feelings WHEN they happen. I spent way too many years pretending that I was “Fine” when I was everything BUT “Fine”. We all do it…..it’s a habit to respond that way. It makes the answer to the question easy, but all it really does is provides us with an opportunity to minimize that feeling and sweep it under the carpet. It allows us to totally dismiss the feelings in our minds.
Next time you feel like responding with the phrase “I’m fine”…think about this…..FINE = F**KED UP, INSECURE, NEUROTIC, EMOTIONAL. Is that how you’re feeling? Maybe it is….but at least then you are being honest with yourself.
Karen H.